The woman I have been married to for ten years, shows concern for me when I look depressed, not knowing I am brooding over the break-up of an affair I have just had.
My ex-girlfriend now claims "she loves and adores" a guy over who we fought a lot when we were seeing each other, because she spent a lot of time with him back then saying "I know he loves me, but he's just a friend to me".
My wife has come to know about my ex-girlfriend but doesn't know how far we'd gone in our relationship. So she simply wants me to cut her out of my life (no friendship, no working together) and believes we'll figure out our marriage eventually.
My ex-girlfriend refuses to admit my troubled marriage hit rock bottom, because I changed my relationship with my wife when I started seeing my girlfriend, as a simple act of loyalty to her.
My wife thinks my girlfriend is a screwed up individual, but blames me for the relationship because she thinks the girl herself is pure and I am the bastard taking advantage of her weaknesses.
My girlfriend thinks my wife is right in being upset with me, and that I should work to make my marriage work, and that I am being unfair to her (girlfriend) by expecting that now my marriage is finally over, she should come back to me.
My wife admits she may have been very tough on me these past few years, and is still willing to make amends with me.
My girlfriend refuses to accept that she's at fault anywhere, simply saying we have different ways of looking at things and that we're both right in our own way.
My wife says I my feelings and relationship with her changed from the time I got close to my girl "friend".
My girlfriend says she never asked me to change my relationship with my wife, or make changes in my life for her. Because she never made any such changes in her life for me.
My wife says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our marriage and home because I've been involved with this other woman at work.
My girlfriend says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our work and relationship, because I brought my marriage issues and stress with me to work.
My wife doesn't realize I have become apathetic toward her.
My girlfriend doesn't realize that I am angry with her.
Both don't realize I have nothing now.
Nobody knows how screwed up I feel.
(except those of you reading this post. only you don't know who I am. well, neither do I anymore)
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Of Birthdays and Rebirths
Birthdays have always been a very emotional time for me. Some years I have really looked forward to them, some years they have just passed me by, and left me shaken and stirred in their wake.
As a kid, birthdays were wonderful. Living in what would be called an underprivileged home, birthdays were one of the three times a year I got new clothes and toys from my parents and relatives. As I grew older, I looked forward to them because this was the one day other kids would be really nice to me, especially the girls :)
When I went to college and had money to spare (I had started earning decent spending money doing odd jobs by then) birthdays were a time I started taking friends out for a soda and pizza. That was really cool.
And for many years, every year, for my birthday, I would have a new girlfriend! Umm, I know that’s not supposed to sound right, but hey, it was a trend I noticed over many years – just around summertime I would become more than just friends with a girl, and then as my birthday would come closer, so would we. Our relationship would really blossom around my birthday, take us through to a terrific new year celebration, and then suddenly “wham” every year, something would happen around February and our relationship would be all over by March or April!
Then when I started working, and earning – birthdays just started getting better and better in terms of stuff we did, and the kind of parties I could throw for my friends. Until, I got “Sue”d!
My first wife Sue, really messed up some of my birthdays with fights about how “uncool our parties were”, and how she didn’t have enough money to throw a good party (huh!??). So I stopped having them... the parties, that is. And would find ways of being out of town, or the country around my birthday – for a very important meeting, or a film shoot (I used to be in advertising back then).
This was a time when my secret tradition really became very important for me.
Yep, somewhere along the line, I had started a little secret tradition of my own: On the night before my birthday, I would “arrange to be alone” for an hour or two... and during this time, I would write – to myself!
I would write to myself summarising stuff that I would have reflected upon in the days preceding my birthday. I would question myself, my issues, relationships, and set myself resolutions and goals. The letter to myself was about deep soul searching, about uncomfortable questions, it was a catharsis, and it was almost always inspiring and uplifting toward the end of it. With me figuring out my positives and strengths, including people good for me. And it would be my roadmap for the year ahead; a roadmap that led to a better me; a roadmap to my reinvention and rebirth every year!
Last month (I am a Libran) I turned 42. And I had one of the worst birthdays of my life. But now in retrospect, I think it was one of the best birthdays of my life.
It was one of the worst, because I had the worst fights in my life - first with Scarlett, and then with Rachel. I said and did some insensitive things that morning, and as a result of that, the two most important women in my life told me what they really think of me!
The issues were not new, but something was in the air that day, which made them angry, acidic and acerbic like never before! Back to back, they pointed out how I was being unfair to them, how wrong I was in believing and doing certain things, and how I really have to figure out what I want out of life for myself, before I figure out what I want from them!
Well, these conversations with my significant other(s), more than compensated for my not writing the letter to myself the night before! They did exactly what I usually do for myself – take a deep look within my heart, head and soul. Understand who I am and what I want out of relationships and life. And then plan a course of action for the future.
Of course, I didn’t realise this back then when it was all happening. But throughout the rest of my birthday, I went over each and every word of both the conversations in my head.
I must admit, I have never seen myself like the way I did that Sunday. And I must admit further, that I didn’t like what I saw.
But I must add, I know this “me” is an aberration, and not the real me. Somewhere both Rachel and Scarlett acknowledged the belief too. Which gives me a lot of hope, that I will find my better self again. And bring back the smiles and happiness in our lives.
The only question is – smiles and happiness in which lives? Rachel and me? Or Scarlett and me?
And that is a big question. Hopefully, I will have the answer by my 43rd.
Nevertheless, belated happy birthday to me!
As a kid, birthdays were wonderful. Living in what would be called an underprivileged home, birthdays were one of the three times a year I got new clothes and toys from my parents and relatives. As I grew older, I looked forward to them because this was the one day other kids would be really nice to me, especially the girls :)
When I went to college and had money to spare (I had started earning decent spending money doing odd jobs by then) birthdays were a time I started taking friends out for a soda and pizza. That was really cool.
And for many years, every year, for my birthday, I would have a new girlfriend! Umm, I know that’s not supposed to sound right, but hey, it was a trend I noticed over many years – just around summertime I would become more than just friends with a girl, and then as my birthday would come closer, so would we. Our relationship would really blossom around my birthday, take us through to a terrific new year celebration, and then suddenly “wham” every year, something would happen around February and our relationship would be all over by March or April!
Then when I started working, and earning – birthdays just started getting better and better in terms of stuff we did, and the kind of parties I could throw for my friends. Until, I got “Sue”d!
My first wife Sue, really messed up some of my birthdays with fights about how “uncool our parties were”, and how she didn’t have enough money to throw a good party (huh!??). So I stopped having them... the parties, that is. And would find ways of being out of town, or the country around my birthday – for a very important meeting, or a film shoot (I used to be in advertising back then).
This was a time when my secret tradition really became very important for me.
Yep, somewhere along the line, I had started a little secret tradition of my own: On the night before my birthday, I would “arrange to be alone” for an hour or two... and during this time, I would write – to myself!
I would write to myself summarising stuff that I would have reflected upon in the days preceding my birthday. I would question myself, my issues, relationships, and set myself resolutions and goals. The letter to myself was about deep soul searching, about uncomfortable questions, it was a catharsis, and it was almost always inspiring and uplifting toward the end of it. With me figuring out my positives and strengths, including people good for me. And it would be my roadmap for the year ahead; a roadmap that led to a better me; a roadmap to my reinvention and rebirth every year!
Last month (I am a Libran) I turned 42. And I had one of the worst birthdays of my life. But now in retrospect, I think it was one of the best birthdays of my life.
It was one of the worst, because I had the worst fights in my life - first with Scarlett, and then with Rachel. I said and did some insensitive things that morning, and as a result of that, the two most important women in my life told me what they really think of me!
The issues were not new, but something was in the air that day, which made them angry, acidic and acerbic like never before! Back to back, they pointed out how I was being unfair to them, how wrong I was in believing and doing certain things, and how I really have to figure out what I want out of life for myself, before I figure out what I want from them!
Well, these conversations with my significant other(s), more than compensated for my not writing the letter to myself the night before! They did exactly what I usually do for myself – take a deep look within my heart, head and soul. Understand who I am and what I want out of relationships and life. And then plan a course of action for the future.
Of course, I didn’t realise this back then when it was all happening. But throughout the rest of my birthday, I went over each and every word of both the conversations in my head.
I must admit, I have never seen myself like the way I did that Sunday. And I must admit further, that I didn’t like what I saw.
But I must add, I know this “me” is an aberration, and not the real me. Somewhere both Rachel and Scarlett acknowledged the belief too. Which gives me a lot of hope, that I will find my better self again. And bring back the smiles and happiness in our lives.
The only question is – smiles and happiness in which lives? Rachel and me? Or Scarlett and me?
And that is a big question. Hopefully, I will have the answer by my 43rd.
Nevertheless, belated happy birthday to me!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Insomnia
When you lose love, one of the many things you also lose, is sleep. But not too many people talk about it, except in passing reference.
So here I am, writing this piece at an unearthly hour, having been up like this three days in a row with maybe around 6 hours sleep in installments of 2 hours each :-}
I stay awake at night thinking of Scarlett and the many reasons for which she broke up with me. (No, my being married was a big reason, but not the only reason). Then when sleep finally hits me between 5 and 6 in the morning, Rachel whose alarm goes off at 6.30am every morning, forces me out of bed with her questions about random stuff around the house, and questions about the kids and wanting to discuss what’s happening with them! And of course, the usual ironic question - "with so much crap happening in our lives, how can you sleep!?!?" (Rachel goes to bed at 11 every night, and obviously, her insomnia [?] kicks in at 6.30am)
The result, I resemble your friendly neighbourhood racoon – dark circles around the eyes, et al!
The good thing about my insomnia is that I get more hours to do stuff – I do more work, I write more, and I think more. And I totally freak out my employees and clients, whose Blackberrys vibrate with new email at unearthly hours, or alternately wake up to find email from me sent at 2.21, 3.39 and 4.03 am almost every single night, including the weekends!
Hmm. Perhaps I will go crazy. Perhaps I will survive this. But now I know for sure what the saying “Dreams die with love” means – obviously, if you ain’t sleepin, you ain’t dreamin!
Good night, good morning, whatever... catch you later!
So here I am, writing this piece at an unearthly hour, having been up like this three days in a row with maybe around 6 hours sleep in installments of 2 hours each :-}
I stay awake at night thinking of Scarlett and the many reasons for which she broke up with me. (No, my being married was a big reason, but not the only reason). Then when sleep finally hits me between 5 and 6 in the morning, Rachel whose alarm goes off at 6.30am every morning, forces me out of bed with her questions about random stuff around the house, and questions about the kids and wanting to discuss what’s happening with them! And of course, the usual ironic question - "with so much crap happening in our lives, how can you sleep!?!?" (Rachel goes to bed at 11 every night, and obviously, her insomnia [?] kicks in at 6.30am)
The result, I resemble your friendly neighbourhood racoon – dark circles around the eyes, et al!
The good thing about my insomnia is that I get more hours to do stuff – I do more work, I write more, and I think more. And I totally freak out my employees and clients, whose Blackberrys vibrate with new email at unearthly hours, or alternately wake up to find email from me sent at 2.21, 3.39 and 4.03 am almost every single night, including the weekends!
Hmm. Perhaps I will go crazy. Perhaps I will survive this. But now I know for sure what the saying “Dreams die with love” means – obviously, if you ain’t sleepin, you ain’t dreamin!
Good night, good morning, whatever... catch you later!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So What's The Problem
Most people who read my previous post introducing the two women in my life will probably think I am nuts, or think I am sick (Sick as in yuck, not siiicckkk!).
But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...
People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...
The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...
The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.
But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!
I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.
I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.
I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.
Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.
But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...
People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...
The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...
The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.
But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!
I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.
I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.
I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.
Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Loves Of My Life
This is a post about the most important people in my life - Rachel and Scarlett - whom I will talk about often here. In order for you to be objective, and for me not to come across as derisive or or unfair in various conversations and outbursts, I thought I might as well introduce you to them, and set the context up front.
Rachel, is my wife of ten years, and mother of our two beautiful children - Tori and Zack. Even though our relationship is totally f***ed up right now, I still think she is an amazing woman.
Scarlett, my best friend of five years, girlfriend for the past one year, and "ex" for the last four weeks. She makes my pulse race, heart beat faster, mind boggle, and she stirs parts of my body, heart and mind which I didn't know exist.
I won't tell you much about Tori and Zack, because they're kids. Except that I try my best to be a good father, and love both equally.
I will also tell you more about myself, but only when I think I can be objective, and not be either too self deprecating or alternately self righteous.
Rachel, is my wife of ten years, and mother of our two beautiful children - Tori and Zack. Even though our relationship is totally f***ed up right now, I still think she is an amazing woman.
Scarlett, my best friend of five years, girlfriend for the past one year, and "ex" for the last four weeks. She makes my pulse race, heart beat faster, mind boggle, and she stirs parts of my body, heart and mind which I didn't know exist.
I won't tell you much about Tori and Zack, because they're kids. Except that I try my best to be a good father, and love both equally.
I will also tell you more about myself, but only when I think I can be objective, and not be either too self deprecating or alternately self righteous.
One Question, Different Answers
Life is full of questions. And in relationships, different answers to the same questions, often lead to disharmony, discord, and even divorce. While many people in various stages of relationships make the effort and work around these differences – many cannot, or simply will not make the effort.
The fact is, differences of opinion on various key issues or core values, if not acknowledged or resolved, will always threaten and chip away at the very bedrock of love, which the two partners share between them.
So unless we recognise this and work toward acknowledging the different answers, thinking them through, and then working toward getting on the same page, or alternately accepting the dissimilar stand, we are in for a stormy relationship.
So what happens when the question about love and what it means to each itself has different answers? Well there begins an avalanche of differences, and the end of hope, because I do believe if your love is strong, everything else falls into place.
So when evaluating a partner or relationship, when working to fix ones relationships, or while even working to ensure your relationship stays rock solid, to my mind the simple questions are – is our value system the same, are the things we like to do the same, do we have the same approach to kids, do we have the same goals in life, do we have the same retirement plan in life – are our answers to the questions in our life similar?
Is it that simple... I don’t know. But it’s worked for me. Before, during, and unfortunately, often in retrospect :(
The fact is, differences of opinion on various key issues or core values, if not acknowledged or resolved, will always threaten and chip away at the very bedrock of love, which the two partners share between them.
So unless we recognise this and work toward acknowledging the different answers, thinking them through, and then working toward getting on the same page, or alternately accepting the dissimilar stand, we are in for a stormy relationship.
So what happens when the question about love and what it means to each itself has different answers? Well there begins an avalanche of differences, and the end of hope, because I do believe if your love is strong, everything else falls into place.
So when evaluating a partner or relationship, when working to fix ones relationships, or while even working to ensure your relationship stays rock solid, to my mind the simple questions are – is our value system the same, are the things we like to do the same, do we have the same approach to kids, do we have the same goals in life, do we have the same retirement plan in life – are our answers to the questions in our life similar?
Is it that simple... I don’t know. But it’s worked for me. Before, during, and unfortunately, often in retrospect :(
Thursday, October 14, 2010
What is Love?
Imagine two people, completely in love with each other, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with each other, yet feeling either claustrophobic or alternately uncomfortable with the other’s love.
Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!
I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!
It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.
Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.
They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!
So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything. They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.
I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)
So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?
As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.
Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.
Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!
I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!
It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.
Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.
They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!
So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything. They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.
I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)
So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?
As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.
Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Who Am I
So who am I... and why do I have all these questions..? Well, the truth is I am currently a very messed up person – that’s who I am.
I was quite messed up twenty years ago, but I pulled out of it and thought I would never go back there and that the worst was over. But the messed up me is back, and with a double whammy.
First it was a too-early marriage to a too-easy woman. Not just too easy, but Sue was crazy too! (let’s call her Sue, and I am not being insensitive by calling her easy, coz she really slept around a lot, while I was living in denial of the fact which all our friends knew but wouldn't tell me). In fact, in retrospect, I have no idea why I married her in the first place... wow, is saying this really bad? Is it terrible that even on our wedding day, I didn’t know why I was marrying her? I was just 21 then, and against everyone's wishes, went ahead and just did it!
I spent the next five crappy years dealing with all kinds of nonsensical ideas and neurotic behaviour, until I could get a divorce and say goodbye to bad rubbish!
The one thing that kept me going through it all was my job. I was bloody good at what I did, and got paid a bloody lot for it! So much so, that my pay check back then played a huge role in getting an easy, mutual consent divorce from her – I gave her everything I owned, from my music collection dating back to my college days, to our house, all appliances, and even my favorite SUV and the lease on it for the next 2 years!
After that I fell in love with and married Rachel. She was the love of my life, my beautiful strong, sensitive, funny mother of our two beautiful children, and grandmother of my grandchildren to be.
Note, I said ‘was the love of my life...’ Well unfortunately our beautiful, rock solid marriage turned sour a couple of years back and neither of us can place when the slide started. All we know is today its impossible for us to even have a single conversation without getting our backs up, and shooting barbs at each other.
Where did we go wrong, what happened, I cannot clearly say, but we both have theories. And I plan to put some of them out here and get other people’s opinion on what could have happened, and perhaps what we should do to make it work and bring back the magic.
If we want to bring back the magic, that is... because today, I also have Scarlett... and also there once was Emma. Two women who came into my life and turned it upside down in the past couple of years.
Emma is Rachel’s best friend. We got close, and despite what people (including Rachel) think, nothing really happened between us that was more than an exciting idea in our minds. And that too is over now...
Scarlett is my business partner and closest friend. She’s smart, very intelligent, and bloody gorgeous! And I have been 'having an affair' with her since late last year.
Terrible, eh?!
Well admittedly yes, and strangely no. True my relationship with Scarlett has completely spun my life with Rachel out of control and down the drain. What little semblance of a marriage we maintained has now all but disappeared from our lives. But at the same time, I believe Scarlett is the best thing that could happen to me at this stage of my life - professionally, and as an individual.
Is that the double whammy I mentioned earlier in this post? Nope. The double whammy is that Scarlett now doesn’t want us to continue, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And then she adds, that she thinks we’re intrinsically incompatible (?!)
And her belief in our incompatibility and wanting to break up us “seeing each other” has messed up our relationship at work, which has thrown our business out of gear, threatening us with bankruptcy and forcing us to consider shutting shop!
No love, no money, no hope. That’s what I am looking at today. That’s what I am today.
That’s why I write today.
I am looking for good advice to figure out how to get out of this deep hole I have dug myself into.
Help me please.
I was quite messed up twenty years ago, but I pulled out of it and thought I would never go back there and that the worst was over. But the messed up me is back, and with a double whammy.
First it was a too-early marriage to a too-easy woman. Not just too easy, but Sue was crazy too! (let’s call her Sue, and I am not being insensitive by calling her easy, coz she really slept around a lot, while I was living in denial of the fact which all our friends knew but wouldn't tell me). In fact, in retrospect, I have no idea why I married her in the first place... wow, is saying this really bad? Is it terrible that even on our wedding day, I didn’t know why I was marrying her? I was just 21 then, and against everyone's wishes, went ahead and just did it!
I spent the next five crappy years dealing with all kinds of nonsensical ideas and neurotic behaviour, until I could get a divorce and say goodbye to bad rubbish!
The one thing that kept me going through it all was my job. I was bloody good at what I did, and got paid a bloody lot for it! So much so, that my pay check back then played a huge role in getting an easy, mutual consent divorce from her – I gave her everything I owned, from my music collection dating back to my college days, to our house, all appliances, and even my favorite SUV and the lease on it for the next 2 years!
After that I fell in love with and married Rachel. She was the love of my life, my beautiful strong, sensitive, funny mother of our two beautiful children, and grandmother of my grandchildren to be.
Note, I said ‘was the love of my life...’ Well unfortunately our beautiful, rock solid marriage turned sour a couple of years back and neither of us can place when the slide started. All we know is today its impossible for us to even have a single conversation without getting our backs up, and shooting barbs at each other.
Where did we go wrong, what happened, I cannot clearly say, but we both have theories. And I plan to put some of them out here and get other people’s opinion on what could have happened, and perhaps what we should do to make it work and bring back the magic.
If we want to bring back the magic, that is... because today, I also have Scarlett... and also there once was Emma. Two women who came into my life and turned it upside down in the past couple of years.
Emma is Rachel’s best friend. We got close, and despite what people (including Rachel) think, nothing really happened between us that was more than an exciting idea in our minds. And that too is over now...
Scarlett is my business partner and closest friend. She’s smart, very intelligent, and bloody gorgeous! And I have been 'having an affair' with her since late last year.
Terrible, eh?!
Well admittedly yes, and strangely no. True my relationship with Scarlett has completely spun my life with Rachel out of control and down the drain. What little semblance of a marriage we maintained has now all but disappeared from our lives. But at the same time, I believe Scarlett is the best thing that could happen to me at this stage of my life - professionally, and as an individual.
Is that the double whammy I mentioned earlier in this post? Nope. The double whammy is that Scarlett now doesn’t want us to continue, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And then she adds, that she thinks we’re intrinsically incompatible (?!)
And her belief in our incompatibility and wanting to break up us “seeing each other” has messed up our relationship at work, which has thrown our business out of gear, threatening us with bankruptcy and forcing us to consider shutting shop!
No love, no money, no hope. That’s what I am looking at today. That’s what I am today.
That’s why I write today.
I am looking for good advice to figure out how to get out of this deep hole I have dug myself into.
Help me please.
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