The Irony of Being I

The woman I have been married to for ten years, shows concern for me when I look depressed, not knowing I am brooding over the break-up of an affair I have just had.

My ex-girlfriend now claims "she loves and adores" a guy over who we fought a lot when we were seeing each other, because she spent a lot of time with him back then saying "I know he loves me, but he's just a friend to me".

My wife has come to know about my ex-girlfriend but doesn't know how far we'd gone in our relationship. So she simply wants me to cut her out of my life (no friendship, no working together) and believes we'll figure out our marriage eventually.

My ex-girlfriend refuses to admit my troubled marriage hit rock bottom, because I changed my relationship with my wife when I started seeing my girlfriend, as a simple act of loyalty to her.

My wife thinks my girlfriend is a screwed up individual, but blames me for the relationship because she thinks the girl herself is pure and I am the bastard taking advantage of her weaknesses.

My girlfriend thinks my wife is right in being upset with me, and that I should work to make my marriage work, and that I am being unfair to her (girlfriend) by expecting that now my marriage is finally over, she should come back to me.

My wife admits she may have been very tough on me these past few years, and is still willing to make amends with me.

My girlfriend refuses to accept that she's at fault anywhere, simply saying we have different ways of looking at things and that we're both right in our own way.

My wife says I my feelings and relationship with her changed from the time I got close to my girl "friend".

My girlfriend says she never asked me to change my relationship with my wife, or make changes in my life for her. Because she never made any such changes in her life for me.

My wife says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our marriage and home because I've been involved with this other woman at work.

My girlfriend says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our work and relationship, because I brought my marriage issues and stress with me to work.

My wife doesn't realize I have become apathetic toward her.

My girlfriend doesn't realize that I am angry with her.

Both don't realize I have nothing now.

Nobody knows how screwed up I feel.
(except those of you reading this post. only you don't know who I am. well, neither do I anymore)

The Truth About Scarlett

Original Post Removed

Hi, I am sorry, but I have removed this post. I wrote a lot about Scarlett in a particularly emotional moment. When I was writing it, I thought perhaps I was being unfair on her, and judgemental, without taking a look at my own behavior.

Then a comment from Me (still appears below) made me realize my folly, and got me thinking about myself and the role I play in Scarlett's behavior (thank you Me). I have removed the post. For those of you who came here looking for the original, I am sorry, its been removed.

However feel free to read the rest of my thoughts and let me have your thoughts in return. I really appreciate the advice.

So What's The Problem

Most people who read my previous post introducing the two women in my life will probably think I am nuts, or think I am sick (Sick as in yuck, not siiicckkk!).

But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...

People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...

The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...

The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.

But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!

I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.

I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.

I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.

Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.