The woman I have been married to for ten years, shows concern for me when I look depressed, not knowing I am brooding over the break-up of an affair I have just had.
My ex-girlfriend now claims "she loves and adores" a guy over who we fought a lot when we were seeing each other, because she spent a lot of time with him back then saying "I know he loves me, but he's just a friend to me".
My wife has come to know about my ex-girlfriend but doesn't know how far we'd gone in our relationship. So she simply wants me to cut her out of my life (no friendship, no working together) and believes we'll figure out our marriage eventually.
My ex-girlfriend refuses to admit my troubled marriage hit rock bottom, because I changed my relationship with my wife when I started seeing my girlfriend, as a simple act of loyalty to her.
My wife thinks my girlfriend is a screwed up individual, but blames me for the relationship because she thinks the girl herself is pure and I am the bastard taking advantage of her weaknesses.
My girlfriend thinks my wife is right in being upset with me, and that I should work to make my marriage work, and that I am being unfair to her (girlfriend) by expecting that now my marriage is finally over, she should come back to me.
My wife admits she may have been very tough on me these past few years, and is still willing to make amends with me.
My girlfriend refuses to accept that she's at fault anywhere, simply saying we have different ways of looking at things and that we're both right in our own way.
My wife says I my feelings and relationship with her changed from the time I got close to my girl "friend".
My girlfriend says she never asked me to change my relationship with my wife, or make changes in my life for her. Because she never made any such changes in her life for me.
My wife says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our marriage and home because I've been involved with this other woman at work.
My girlfriend says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our work and relationship, because I brought my marriage issues and stress with me to work.
My wife doesn't realize I have become apathetic toward her.
My girlfriend doesn't realize that I am angry with her.
Both don't realize I have nothing now.
Nobody knows how screwed up I feel.
(except those of you reading this post. only you don't know who I am. well, neither do I anymore)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Truth About Scarlett
Original Post Removed
Hi, I am sorry, but I have removed this post. I wrote a lot about Scarlett in a particularly emotional moment. When I was writing it, I thought perhaps I was being unfair on her, and judgemental, without taking a look at my own behavior.
Then a comment from Me (still appears below) made me realize my folly, and got me thinking about myself and the role I play in Scarlett's behavior (thank you Me). I have removed the post. For those of you who came here looking for the original, I am sorry, its been removed.
However feel free to read the rest of my thoughts and let me have your thoughts in return. I really appreciate the advice.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Being Parallel Processed
One of the big issues between Scarlett and I, is the way we look at love. In fact, I’ve mentioned it in passing in a previous post of mine.
Scarlett talks of freedom and romantic love. I want passionate obsessive love. And we’ve clashed big time on this matter.
If me being married and having a wife and kids to go back to wasn’t enough for her to contend with, Scarlett has a bunch of really close “guy” friends I have to deal with. Add to this the fact that I am more of a homebody, and she’s more of the go-out-and-party type. The result: our constant debate about freedom, trust, and space to breathe.
I am a very trusting, giving person. So is Scarlett. But while she never complained or showed signs of jealousy when I’d go home every night, I would go completely crazy when she’d hang out with her “boy” friends! And this in turn, drove her nuts!!
I made changes in my life and stopped doing all the ‘rituals’ of being ‘a couple’ with Rachel, and I also stopped talking about Rachel, or with Rachel, in front of Scarlett, so that she didn’t ‘feel bad’. But Scarlett continued to meet her male friends, even alone (some of whom she admits want to marry her), and wouldn’t hesitate to chat with them, and call them ‘honey’ on the phone in front of me!
I talked about how I am withdrawing and closing my chapter with Rachel. Scarlett constantly told me how important these guys including her ex-boyfriend were, and that they’d always be a part of her life as friends.
When I chatted with Scarlett on BBM late in the night, I would be chatting with her alone. When she chatted with me, the delays in her response indicated (and she often stated) she was chatting with others as well.
And then when we’d be out or alone together, I would still find her chatting with these others on BBM – because she said, she spent so much time with me, she could never find time to chat with her other friends.
I wondered whether our ten year age gap, was actually a generation gap (!?!) and that these things are acceptable and a part of life with women in their 30s today. 40s is old school, so I won’t get it?
I found her friends and her approach to them intrusive. She found my telling her this claustrophobic.
The simultaneous, constant BBM chatting was clearly symbolic of things in my mind. Begging me to ask the question: Am I being parallel processed?
Scarlett would constantly tell me “You have to recognise I am an individual and I need my space, my friends and other things to do besides the things I do with you”.
So yes, I was being parallel processed. And I never got the sense that I was more processed than others. Being together at work doesn’t count, because at work we work and work very hard.
Is it abnormal for me to feel this way? Am I being unfair?
Yes, Scarlett will not be seen in nightclubs alone with me. We cannot go out for too many late dinners alone together. I cannot be the one who naturally gets invited with her to her friends’ parties. So if it is not me she hangs out with socially, should it be no one, even if they’re just friends? Is it unfair for me to expect her to hang out with me and no one else?
If I expect her to live with the fact that she’s seeing a married man, does it mean I have to lump it and be part of her parallel processing?
I don’t know if this post makes any sense. Somebody hit me. Please.
Scarlett talks of freedom and romantic love. I want passionate obsessive love. And we’ve clashed big time on this matter.
If me being married and having a wife and kids to go back to wasn’t enough for her to contend with, Scarlett has a bunch of really close “guy” friends I have to deal with. Add to this the fact that I am more of a homebody, and she’s more of the go-out-and-party type. The result: our constant debate about freedom, trust, and space to breathe.
I am a very trusting, giving person. So is Scarlett. But while she never complained or showed signs of jealousy when I’d go home every night, I would go completely crazy when she’d hang out with her “boy” friends! And this in turn, drove her nuts!!
I made changes in my life and stopped doing all the ‘rituals’ of being ‘a couple’ with Rachel, and I also stopped talking about Rachel, or with Rachel, in front of Scarlett, so that she didn’t ‘feel bad’. But Scarlett continued to meet her male friends, even alone (some of whom she admits want to marry her), and wouldn’t hesitate to chat with them, and call them ‘honey’ on the phone in front of me!
I talked about how I am withdrawing and closing my chapter with Rachel. Scarlett constantly told me how important these guys including her ex-boyfriend were, and that they’d always be a part of her life as friends.
When I chatted with Scarlett on BBM late in the night, I would be chatting with her alone. When she chatted with me, the delays in her response indicated (and she often stated) she was chatting with others as well.
And then when we’d be out or alone together, I would still find her chatting with these others on BBM – because she said, she spent so much time with me, she could never find time to chat with her other friends.
I wondered whether our ten year age gap, was actually a generation gap (!?!) and that these things are acceptable and a part of life with women in their 30s today. 40s is old school, so I won’t get it?
I found her friends and her approach to them intrusive. She found my telling her this claustrophobic.
The simultaneous, constant BBM chatting was clearly symbolic of things in my mind. Begging me to ask the question: Am I being parallel processed?
Scarlett would constantly tell me “You have to recognise I am an individual and I need my space, my friends and other things to do besides the things I do with you”.
So yes, I was being parallel processed. And I never got the sense that I was more processed than others. Being together at work doesn’t count, because at work we work and work very hard.
Is it abnormal for me to feel this way? Am I being unfair?
Yes, Scarlett will not be seen in nightclubs alone with me. We cannot go out for too many late dinners alone together. I cannot be the one who naturally gets invited with her to her friends’ parties. So if it is not me she hangs out with socially, should it be no one, even if they’re just friends? Is it unfair for me to expect her to hang out with me and no one else?
If I expect her to live with the fact that she’s seeing a married man, does it mean I have to lump it and be part of her parallel processing?
I don’t know if this post makes any sense. Somebody hit me. Please.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Of Birthdays and Rebirths
Birthdays have always been a very emotional time for me. Some years I have really looked forward to them, some years they have just passed me by, and left me shaken and stirred in their wake.
As a kid, birthdays were wonderful. Living in what would be called an underprivileged home, birthdays were one of the three times a year I got new clothes and toys from my parents and relatives. As I grew older, I looked forward to them because this was the one day other kids would be really nice to me, especially the girls :)
When I went to college and had money to spare (I had started earning decent spending money doing odd jobs by then) birthdays were a time I started taking friends out for a soda and pizza. That was really cool.
And for many years, every year, for my birthday, I would have a new girlfriend! Umm, I know that’s not supposed to sound right, but hey, it was a trend I noticed over many years – just around summertime I would become more than just friends with a girl, and then as my birthday would come closer, so would we. Our relationship would really blossom around my birthday, take us through to a terrific new year celebration, and then suddenly “wham” every year, something would happen around February and our relationship would be all over by March or April!
Then when I started working, and earning – birthdays just started getting better and better in terms of stuff we did, and the kind of parties I could throw for my friends. Until, I got “Sue”d!
My first wife Sue, really messed up some of my birthdays with fights about how “uncool our parties were”, and how she didn’t have enough money to throw a good party (huh!??). So I stopped having them... the parties, that is. And would find ways of being out of town, or the country around my birthday – for a very important meeting, or a film shoot (I used to be in advertising back then).
This was a time when my secret tradition really became very important for me.
Yep, somewhere along the line, I had started a little secret tradition of my own: On the night before my birthday, I would “arrange to be alone” for an hour or two... and during this time, I would write – to myself!
I would write to myself summarising stuff that I would have reflected upon in the days preceding my birthday. I would question myself, my issues, relationships, and set myself resolutions and goals. The letter to myself was about deep soul searching, about uncomfortable questions, it was a catharsis, and it was almost always inspiring and uplifting toward the end of it. With me figuring out my positives and strengths, including people good for me. And it would be my roadmap for the year ahead; a roadmap that led to a better me; a roadmap to my reinvention and rebirth every year!
Last month (I am a Libran) I turned 42. And I had one of the worst birthdays of my life. But now in retrospect, I think it was one of the best birthdays of my life.
It was one of the worst, because I had the worst fights in my life - first with Scarlett, and then with Rachel. I said and did some insensitive things that morning, and as a result of that, the two most important women in my life told me what they really think of me!
The issues were not new, but something was in the air that day, which made them angry, acidic and acerbic like never before! Back to back, they pointed out how I was being unfair to them, how wrong I was in believing and doing certain things, and how I really have to figure out what I want out of life for myself, before I figure out what I want from them!
Well, these conversations with my significant other(s), more than compensated for my not writing the letter to myself the night before! They did exactly what I usually do for myself – take a deep look within my heart, head and soul. Understand who I am and what I want out of relationships and life. And then plan a course of action for the future.
Of course, I didn’t realise this back then when it was all happening. But throughout the rest of my birthday, I went over each and every word of both the conversations in my head.
I must admit, I have never seen myself like the way I did that Sunday. And I must admit further, that I didn’t like what I saw.
But I must add, I know this “me” is an aberration, and not the real me. Somewhere both Rachel and Scarlett acknowledged the belief too. Which gives me a lot of hope, that I will find my better self again. And bring back the smiles and happiness in our lives.
The only question is – smiles and happiness in which lives? Rachel and me? Or Scarlett and me?
And that is a big question. Hopefully, I will have the answer by my 43rd.
Nevertheless, belated happy birthday to me!
As a kid, birthdays were wonderful. Living in what would be called an underprivileged home, birthdays were one of the three times a year I got new clothes and toys from my parents and relatives. As I grew older, I looked forward to them because this was the one day other kids would be really nice to me, especially the girls :)
When I went to college and had money to spare (I had started earning decent spending money doing odd jobs by then) birthdays were a time I started taking friends out for a soda and pizza. That was really cool.
And for many years, every year, for my birthday, I would have a new girlfriend! Umm, I know that’s not supposed to sound right, but hey, it was a trend I noticed over many years – just around summertime I would become more than just friends with a girl, and then as my birthday would come closer, so would we. Our relationship would really blossom around my birthday, take us through to a terrific new year celebration, and then suddenly “wham” every year, something would happen around February and our relationship would be all over by March or April!
Then when I started working, and earning – birthdays just started getting better and better in terms of stuff we did, and the kind of parties I could throw for my friends. Until, I got “Sue”d!
My first wife Sue, really messed up some of my birthdays with fights about how “uncool our parties were”, and how she didn’t have enough money to throw a good party (huh!??). So I stopped having them... the parties, that is. And would find ways of being out of town, or the country around my birthday – for a very important meeting, or a film shoot (I used to be in advertising back then).
This was a time when my secret tradition really became very important for me.
Yep, somewhere along the line, I had started a little secret tradition of my own: On the night before my birthday, I would “arrange to be alone” for an hour or two... and during this time, I would write – to myself!
I would write to myself summarising stuff that I would have reflected upon in the days preceding my birthday. I would question myself, my issues, relationships, and set myself resolutions and goals. The letter to myself was about deep soul searching, about uncomfortable questions, it was a catharsis, and it was almost always inspiring and uplifting toward the end of it. With me figuring out my positives and strengths, including people good for me. And it would be my roadmap for the year ahead; a roadmap that led to a better me; a roadmap to my reinvention and rebirth every year!
Last month (I am a Libran) I turned 42. And I had one of the worst birthdays of my life. But now in retrospect, I think it was one of the best birthdays of my life.
It was one of the worst, because I had the worst fights in my life - first with Scarlett, and then with Rachel. I said and did some insensitive things that morning, and as a result of that, the two most important women in my life told me what they really think of me!
The issues were not new, but something was in the air that day, which made them angry, acidic and acerbic like never before! Back to back, they pointed out how I was being unfair to them, how wrong I was in believing and doing certain things, and how I really have to figure out what I want out of life for myself, before I figure out what I want from them!
Well, these conversations with my significant other(s), more than compensated for my not writing the letter to myself the night before! They did exactly what I usually do for myself – take a deep look within my heart, head and soul. Understand who I am and what I want out of relationships and life. And then plan a course of action for the future.
Of course, I didn’t realise this back then when it was all happening. But throughout the rest of my birthday, I went over each and every word of both the conversations in my head.
I must admit, I have never seen myself like the way I did that Sunday. And I must admit further, that I didn’t like what I saw.
But I must add, I know this “me” is an aberration, and not the real me. Somewhere both Rachel and Scarlett acknowledged the belief too. Which gives me a lot of hope, that I will find my better self again. And bring back the smiles and happiness in our lives.
The only question is – smiles and happiness in which lives? Rachel and me? Or Scarlett and me?
And that is a big question. Hopefully, I will have the answer by my 43rd.
Nevertheless, belated happy birthday to me!
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