The woman I have been married to for ten years, shows concern for me when I look depressed, not knowing I am brooding over the break-up of an affair I have just had.
My ex-girlfriend now claims "she loves and adores" a guy over who we fought a lot when we were seeing each other, because she spent a lot of time with him back then saying "I know he loves me, but he's just a friend to me".
My wife has come to know about my ex-girlfriend but doesn't know how far we'd gone in our relationship. So she simply wants me to cut her out of my life (no friendship, no working together) and believes we'll figure out our marriage eventually.
My ex-girlfriend refuses to admit my troubled marriage hit rock bottom, because I changed my relationship with my wife when I started seeing my girlfriend, as a simple act of loyalty to her.
My wife thinks my girlfriend is a screwed up individual, but blames me for the relationship because she thinks the girl herself is pure and I am the bastard taking advantage of her weaknesses.
My girlfriend thinks my wife is right in being upset with me, and that I should work to make my marriage work, and that I am being unfair to her (girlfriend) by expecting that now my marriage is finally over, she should come back to me.
My wife admits she may have been very tough on me these past few years, and is still willing to make amends with me.
My girlfriend refuses to accept that she's at fault anywhere, simply saying we have different ways of looking at things and that we're both right in our own way.
My wife says I my feelings and relationship with her changed from the time I got close to my girl "friend".
My girlfriend says she never asked me to change my relationship with my wife, or make changes in my life for her. Because she never made any such changes in her life for me.
My wife says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our marriage and home because I've been involved with this other woman at work.
My girlfriend says I took my eyes off the ball and ruined our work and relationship, because I brought my marriage issues and stress with me to work.
My wife doesn't realize I have become apathetic toward her.
My girlfriend doesn't realize that I am angry with her.
Both don't realize I have nothing now.
Nobody knows how screwed up I feel.
(except those of you reading this post. only you don't know who I am. well, neither do I anymore)
The one statement in this one I have to argue with is the one where you say you have nothing. It sounds to me like Rachel is very open to reconciliation, and that is something significant indeed. You also have some beautiful children. She may not know the reason, but clearly she senses that something is not right. Once again, if you attempt to perceive your relationship from her perspective, you can try to imagine what your physical and emotional absence there feels like. And the fact that she will concede her own faults in the marriage shows that she is still emotionally invested in your relationship. That is a humble offer on her part. The way you speak of Rachel does not seem apathetic to me. On the contrary, you appear to be dealing with some pretty heavy emotions where she is concerned.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to offer to you as a solution. If I knew that, then I might not be so conflicted myself. But I will say that just from the few words you've shared here that all does not appear to be lost with you and your wife.
What would be tragic would be if you threw that away--did something impulsive as far as your marriage is concerned because you are dealing with the pain of losing Scarlett. I won't discount that at all. You need mourn that loss, and once the pain isn't so raw, you might be able to make some more sound decisions on your marriage.
Every day, the pain for me is less and less. It isn't gone now, but I do feel a little bit better. I go through alternating feelings of anger and sorrow, but more and more I find apathy towards _him_ creeping in, little by little. And I think eventually, that will happen for you too as far as Scarlett is concerned.
It's a process, and it can't be rushed.
Be well, my friend.
Wow! Somehow I just happen to come across your blog....and well....I was a Rachel in your scenario. :) I can tell you from experience, if Scarlett truly leaves your life, then your marriage will get better. The energy you have put forth towards Scarlett could be redirected to your family and you will see a HUGE difference. My ex-husband and his girlfriend broke up, and within a few months of their breakup our family members were all making comments of how much closer and better we seemed to be doing. They were right - things were going a lot better! But, then his girlfriend started to date someone else, jealousy set in, and 2 weeks after telling me he was ready to start trying for a second child, he stated he wanted a divorce.
ReplyDeleteThey are together now, have been for a year, but I also know their relationship has not been what he imagined it would be after all the sneaking around was done.
Spend some time talking to someone about your situation and feelings before making rush decisions. If you find at the end of that time you still want Scarlett, and aren't willing to repair things with Rachel - then get a divorce - no reason in continuing to hurt your family. But, if you find that you do want to repair your relationship with Rachel - then make a solid effort to do so - and lose all contact with Scarlett.
Just my 2 cents....for 2 years I was a Rachel. I can say I am happier now than I was for the 2 years my ex was devoting time to someone else. But, I can also tell you that our relationship was a good one before the affair - and had he opened up and talked to people - then we may have found ourselves in a very different place in our lives right now.