When you lose love, one of the many things you also lose, is sleep. But not too many people talk about it, except in passing reference.
So here I am, writing this piece at an unearthly hour, having been up like this three days in a row with maybe around 6 hours sleep in installments of 2 hours each :-}
I stay awake at night thinking of Scarlett and the many reasons for which she broke up with me. (No, my being married was a big reason, but not the only reason). Then when sleep finally hits me between 5 and 6 in the morning, Rachel whose alarm goes off at 6.30am every morning, forces me out of bed with her questions about random stuff around the house, and questions about the kids and wanting to discuss what’s happening with them! And of course, the usual ironic question - "with so much crap happening in our lives, how can you sleep!?!?" (Rachel goes to bed at 11 every night, and obviously, her insomnia [?] kicks in at 6.30am)
The result, I resemble your friendly neighbourhood racoon – dark circles around the eyes, et al!
The good thing about my insomnia is that I get more hours to do stuff – I do more work, I write more, and I think more. And I totally freak out my employees and clients, whose Blackberrys vibrate with new email at unearthly hours, or alternately wake up to find email from me sent at 2.21, 3.39 and 4.03 am almost every single night, including the weekends!
Hmm. Perhaps I will go crazy. Perhaps I will survive this. But now I know for sure what the saying “Dreams die with love” means – obviously, if you ain’t sleepin, you ain’t dreamin!
Good night, good morning, whatever... catch you later!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Money Can’t Buy Love, But It Can Certainly Make Loving Easy
It is true. I think money has a HUGE role to play in matters of attraction, love, and relationships.
Having money does make a person more attractive. You are more likely to smile and say 'hi' to the woman in a Cavalli dress and the guy with the Ferragamo tie, than you would with someone turned out in cheap attire. You are probably more likely to agree to go out on a date with a beautiful stranger who steps out of a Mercedes, than one who steps out of a Hyundai hatchback.
Superficial examples aside, the truth is, money makes people comfortable. And people with money are more comforting than those without. And as we dig deeper, even in close personal relationships, we look up to the richer relative, we are more respectful of our more-well-to-do neighbors, and we’re very proud of a husband or wife who makes loads of money.
Having money or not having money plays a huge role in how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel about our significant other. Having money is comforting. And not having money tests even the best of relationships.
I remember a conversation Rachel and I once had. We were on holiday and staying in a really expensive suite at an iconic five star hotel in the Far East. Rachel was talking about ‘how lucky we were to be there, and how happy we were being together – and that she was sure we will be deliriously happy together for the rest of our lives’. (Both Rachel and I come from very humble beginnings – her single-parent mom lived off boyfriends and low-stakes gambling, while my parents were always struggling to make ends meet.)
And then I said the strangest thing in response to her happiness “We’re here and happy because we have money. If we didn’t have money we wouldn’t be here, and we’d probably be fighting back home over some bill or the other. Money is what allows us to be happy”.
Rachel got very upset with me, that I should undermine our love and attribute its existence to money!
To push my point (I don’t know why I did back then), I suddenly talked about my first wife Sue.
The biggest issue my first wife had with me, revolved around money – and the fact that I wasn’t making enough of it. That was funny, considering I was probably being paid more money than anyone else at my level in my entire industry at that time, and I was 25. But that wasn’t enough for Sue. She thought that just because I was acknowledged as very talented and a ‘star’ by my company, I should demand more. To add to that, she thought I should moonlight – a lot of people in my profession do freelance projects on the side, even though it was not only unethical, but also went against the contracts we signed with the companies we worked for!
All I could think of was being honest and doing a good job during the day, and then spending my free time with Sue and our friends, enjoying the “little” money I worked so hard to get.
So I didn’t ask for more, and I didn’t moonlight. And this became a huge bone of contention between Sue and I. And every time we had to think twice about spending some money, or going somewhere, or doing something, the subject of money would come up. Eventually, she went on to have a series of affairs with guys with expense accounts, bigger cars, and so called “wealth”.
Of course, Sue was an aberration. The problem with her was ‘greed’, not really about money coming between two normal people – which is what happened between Rachel and I.
Given Rachel’s poverty stricken background and her need for financial security, my quitting my well-paying job way back in 2005 to start my own series of business ventures, was a frightening prospect for her. Even though I had saved up enough for us to last a couple of years without external help, Rachel quickly came out of her “homemaker” mode which she’d happily gotten into when we had our first child. She insisted on getting back to work and bring home a regular salary as “a back-up” – until my business got us back to the levels of income we were used to, when I was the head of a large multinational company.
Not surprisingly, given her incredible energy and ability to do anything she set her mind to, Rachel picked up from where she left off before her “sabbatical” and rose quickly, to become the country head of a large European corporation 2 years ago – with a decent pay packet.
But this wasn’t enough – while Rachel’s salary covered all our bills, it frightened the daylights out of her that I was investing our savings in my new ventures, and that since I started big, rather than small, the returns would take a while to show up.
And somewhere along the way began the stress and the little fights over money. Me buying a new SUV, me making several trips to Dubai to start something there (before the bust), me buying the kids a Wii and PS3 and new computers when their old ones were still good, me not wanting to (and not being able to) buy another condo right now (so our kids inherits one each)...
Admittedly, while we have huge expenses and live a seemingly lavish lifestyle, much more than many people in the country, our bank balances constantly run low, and we now do something we haven’t done in years – think twice before spending even on the smallest things.
Post the PS3 and new computers we haven’t exactly been able to buy the kids everything that they need, leave alone want. I know both Rachel and I need a lot of stuff – clothes, shoes, and most importantly a holiday together! We haven’t been out on a vacation in two years – a combination of no time off from work, and no money to spare.
Rachel remembered the conversation I mentioned above, a couple of weeks back and remarked that she didn’t realise what I was talking about, until now. And yes, she never imagined money, or lack of it, would become an issue that was chipping away at our relationship.
The arguments are “You should spend less, you should sell your company and work on an earn out, you should not take such risks with ours and our kids future, you are a professional not a businessman (ouch!)” on one hand, and “What high bills? These are the basics we’re now used to, and why are you worried when both you and me are capable of earning and taking care of all of us... I know things are bad right now, but they will improve, I promise!”
So quite simply from my perspective, if we spent the same time we did arguing about money, on love and being happy together; if issues around money wouldn’t cause such resentment between us; Rachel and I would certainly be in a much better place today.
Sure, money is not the only issue between us. But it is a big one. As I am sure it is, between countless others who have loved and lost love.
Having money does make a person more attractive. You are more likely to smile and say 'hi' to the woman in a Cavalli dress and the guy with the Ferragamo tie, than you would with someone turned out in cheap attire. You are probably more likely to agree to go out on a date with a beautiful stranger who steps out of a Mercedes, than one who steps out of a Hyundai hatchback.
Superficial examples aside, the truth is, money makes people comfortable. And people with money are more comforting than those without. And as we dig deeper, even in close personal relationships, we look up to the richer relative, we are more respectful of our more-well-to-do neighbors, and we’re very proud of a husband or wife who makes loads of money.
Having money or not having money plays a huge role in how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel about our significant other. Having money is comforting. And not having money tests even the best of relationships.
I remember a conversation Rachel and I once had. We were on holiday and staying in a really expensive suite at an iconic five star hotel in the Far East. Rachel was talking about ‘how lucky we were to be there, and how happy we were being together – and that she was sure we will be deliriously happy together for the rest of our lives’. (Both Rachel and I come from very humble beginnings – her single-parent mom lived off boyfriends and low-stakes gambling, while my parents were always struggling to make ends meet.)
And then I said the strangest thing in response to her happiness “We’re here and happy because we have money. If we didn’t have money we wouldn’t be here, and we’d probably be fighting back home over some bill or the other. Money is what allows us to be happy”.
Rachel got very upset with me, that I should undermine our love and attribute its existence to money!
To push my point (I don’t know why I did back then), I suddenly talked about my first wife Sue.
The biggest issue my first wife had with me, revolved around money – and the fact that I wasn’t making enough of it. That was funny, considering I was probably being paid more money than anyone else at my level in my entire industry at that time, and I was 25. But that wasn’t enough for Sue. She thought that just because I was acknowledged as very talented and a ‘star’ by my company, I should demand more. To add to that, she thought I should moonlight – a lot of people in my profession do freelance projects on the side, even though it was not only unethical, but also went against the contracts we signed with the companies we worked for!
All I could think of was being honest and doing a good job during the day, and then spending my free time with Sue and our friends, enjoying the “little” money I worked so hard to get.
So I didn’t ask for more, and I didn’t moonlight. And this became a huge bone of contention between Sue and I. And every time we had to think twice about spending some money, or going somewhere, or doing something, the subject of money would come up. Eventually, she went on to have a series of affairs with guys with expense accounts, bigger cars, and so called “wealth”.
Of course, Sue was an aberration. The problem with her was ‘greed’, not really about money coming between two normal people – which is what happened between Rachel and I.
Given Rachel’s poverty stricken background and her need for financial security, my quitting my well-paying job way back in 2005 to start my own series of business ventures, was a frightening prospect for her. Even though I had saved up enough for us to last a couple of years without external help, Rachel quickly came out of her “homemaker” mode which she’d happily gotten into when we had our first child. She insisted on getting back to work and bring home a regular salary as “a back-up” – until my business got us back to the levels of income we were used to, when I was the head of a large multinational company.
Not surprisingly, given her incredible energy and ability to do anything she set her mind to, Rachel picked up from where she left off before her “sabbatical” and rose quickly, to become the country head of a large European corporation 2 years ago – with a decent pay packet.
But this wasn’t enough – while Rachel’s salary covered all our bills, it frightened the daylights out of her that I was investing our savings in my new ventures, and that since I started big, rather than small, the returns would take a while to show up.
And somewhere along the way began the stress and the little fights over money. Me buying a new SUV, me making several trips to Dubai to start something there (before the bust), me buying the kids a Wii and PS3 and new computers when their old ones were still good, me not wanting to (and not being able to) buy another condo right now (so our kids inherits one each)...
Admittedly, while we have huge expenses and live a seemingly lavish lifestyle, much more than many people in the country, our bank balances constantly run low, and we now do something we haven’t done in years – think twice before spending even on the smallest things.
Post the PS3 and new computers we haven’t exactly been able to buy the kids everything that they need, leave alone want. I know both Rachel and I need a lot of stuff – clothes, shoes, and most importantly a holiday together! We haven’t been out on a vacation in two years – a combination of no time off from work, and no money to spare.
Rachel remembered the conversation I mentioned above, a couple of weeks back and remarked that she didn’t realise what I was talking about, until now. And yes, she never imagined money, or lack of it, would become an issue that was chipping away at our relationship.
The arguments are “You should spend less, you should sell your company and work on an earn out, you should not take such risks with ours and our kids future, you are a professional not a businessman (ouch!)” on one hand, and “What high bills? These are the basics we’re now used to, and why are you worried when both you and me are capable of earning and taking care of all of us... I know things are bad right now, but they will improve, I promise!”
So quite simply from my perspective, if we spent the same time we did arguing about money, on love and being happy together; if issues around money wouldn’t cause such resentment between us; Rachel and I would certainly be in a much better place today.
Sure, money is not the only issue between us. But it is a big one. As I am sure it is, between countless others who have loved and lost love.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So What's The Problem
Most people who read my previous post introducing the two women in my life will probably think I am nuts, or think I am sick (Sick as in yuck, not siiicckkk!).
But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...
People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...
The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...
The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.
But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!
I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.
I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.
I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.
Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.
But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...
People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...
The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...
The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.
But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!
I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.
I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.
I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.
Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Loves Of My Life
This is a post about the most important people in my life - Rachel and Scarlett - whom I will talk about often here. In order for you to be objective, and for me not to come across as derisive or or unfair in various conversations and outbursts, I thought I might as well introduce you to them, and set the context up front.
Rachel, is my wife of ten years, and mother of our two beautiful children - Tori and Zack. Even though our relationship is totally f***ed up right now, I still think she is an amazing woman.
Scarlett, my best friend of five years, girlfriend for the past one year, and "ex" for the last four weeks. She makes my pulse race, heart beat faster, mind boggle, and she stirs parts of my body, heart and mind which I didn't know exist.
I won't tell you much about Tori and Zack, because they're kids. Except that I try my best to be a good father, and love both equally.
I will also tell you more about myself, but only when I think I can be objective, and not be either too self deprecating or alternately self righteous.
Rachel, is my wife of ten years, and mother of our two beautiful children - Tori and Zack. Even though our relationship is totally f***ed up right now, I still think she is an amazing woman.
Scarlett, my best friend of five years, girlfriend for the past one year, and "ex" for the last four weeks. She makes my pulse race, heart beat faster, mind boggle, and she stirs parts of my body, heart and mind which I didn't know exist.
I won't tell you much about Tori and Zack, because they're kids. Except that I try my best to be a good father, and love both equally.
I will also tell you more about myself, but only when I think I can be objective, and not be either too self deprecating or alternately self righteous.
One Question, Different Answers
Life is full of questions. And in relationships, different answers to the same questions, often lead to disharmony, discord, and even divorce. While many people in various stages of relationships make the effort and work around these differences – many cannot, or simply will not make the effort.
The fact is, differences of opinion on various key issues or core values, if not acknowledged or resolved, will always threaten and chip away at the very bedrock of love, which the two partners share between them.
So unless we recognise this and work toward acknowledging the different answers, thinking them through, and then working toward getting on the same page, or alternately accepting the dissimilar stand, we are in for a stormy relationship.
So what happens when the question about love and what it means to each itself has different answers? Well there begins an avalanche of differences, and the end of hope, because I do believe if your love is strong, everything else falls into place.
So when evaluating a partner or relationship, when working to fix ones relationships, or while even working to ensure your relationship stays rock solid, to my mind the simple questions are – is our value system the same, are the things we like to do the same, do we have the same approach to kids, do we have the same goals in life, do we have the same retirement plan in life – are our answers to the questions in our life similar?
Is it that simple... I don’t know. But it’s worked for me. Before, during, and unfortunately, often in retrospect :(
The fact is, differences of opinion on various key issues or core values, if not acknowledged or resolved, will always threaten and chip away at the very bedrock of love, which the two partners share between them.
So unless we recognise this and work toward acknowledging the different answers, thinking them through, and then working toward getting on the same page, or alternately accepting the dissimilar stand, we are in for a stormy relationship.
So what happens when the question about love and what it means to each itself has different answers? Well there begins an avalanche of differences, and the end of hope, because I do believe if your love is strong, everything else falls into place.
So when evaluating a partner or relationship, when working to fix ones relationships, or while even working to ensure your relationship stays rock solid, to my mind the simple questions are – is our value system the same, are the things we like to do the same, do we have the same approach to kids, do we have the same goals in life, do we have the same retirement plan in life – are our answers to the questions in our life similar?
Is it that simple... I don’t know. But it’s worked for me. Before, during, and unfortunately, often in retrospect :(
Thursday, October 14, 2010
What is Love?
Imagine two people, completely in love with each other, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with each other, yet feeling either claustrophobic or alternately uncomfortable with the other’s love.
Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!
I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!
It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.
Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.
They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!
So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything. They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.
I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)
So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?
As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.
Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.
Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!
I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!
It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.
Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.
They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!
So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything. They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.
I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)
So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?
As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.
Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Who Am I
So who am I... and why do I have all these questions..? Well, the truth is I am currently a very messed up person – that’s who I am.
I was quite messed up twenty years ago, but I pulled out of it and thought I would never go back there and that the worst was over. But the messed up me is back, and with a double whammy.
First it was a too-early marriage to a too-easy woman. Not just too easy, but Sue was crazy too! (let’s call her Sue, and I am not being insensitive by calling her easy, coz she really slept around a lot, while I was living in denial of the fact which all our friends knew but wouldn't tell me). In fact, in retrospect, I have no idea why I married her in the first place... wow, is saying this really bad? Is it terrible that even on our wedding day, I didn’t know why I was marrying her? I was just 21 then, and against everyone's wishes, went ahead and just did it!
I spent the next five crappy years dealing with all kinds of nonsensical ideas and neurotic behaviour, until I could get a divorce and say goodbye to bad rubbish!
The one thing that kept me going through it all was my job. I was bloody good at what I did, and got paid a bloody lot for it! So much so, that my pay check back then played a huge role in getting an easy, mutual consent divorce from her – I gave her everything I owned, from my music collection dating back to my college days, to our house, all appliances, and even my favorite SUV and the lease on it for the next 2 years!
After that I fell in love with and married Rachel. She was the love of my life, my beautiful strong, sensitive, funny mother of our two beautiful children, and grandmother of my grandchildren to be.
Note, I said ‘was the love of my life...’ Well unfortunately our beautiful, rock solid marriage turned sour a couple of years back and neither of us can place when the slide started. All we know is today its impossible for us to even have a single conversation without getting our backs up, and shooting barbs at each other.
Where did we go wrong, what happened, I cannot clearly say, but we both have theories. And I plan to put some of them out here and get other people’s opinion on what could have happened, and perhaps what we should do to make it work and bring back the magic.
If we want to bring back the magic, that is... because today, I also have Scarlett... and also there once was Emma. Two women who came into my life and turned it upside down in the past couple of years.
Emma is Rachel’s best friend. We got close, and despite what people (including Rachel) think, nothing really happened between us that was more than an exciting idea in our minds. And that too is over now...
Scarlett is my business partner and closest friend. She’s smart, very intelligent, and bloody gorgeous! And I have been 'having an affair' with her since late last year.
Terrible, eh?!
Well admittedly yes, and strangely no. True my relationship with Scarlett has completely spun my life with Rachel out of control and down the drain. What little semblance of a marriage we maintained has now all but disappeared from our lives. But at the same time, I believe Scarlett is the best thing that could happen to me at this stage of my life - professionally, and as an individual.
Is that the double whammy I mentioned earlier in this post? Nope. The double whammy is that Scarlett now doesn’t want us to continue, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And then she adds, that she thinks we’re intrinsically incompatible (?!)
And her belief in our incompatibility and wanting to break up us “seeing each other” has messed up our relationship at work, which has thrown our business out of gear, threatening us with bankruptcy and forcing us to consider shutting shop!
No love, no money, no hope. That’s what I am looking at today. That’s what I am today.
That’s why I write today.
I am looking for good advice to figure out how to get out of this deep hole I have dug myself into.
Help me please.
I was quite messed up twenty years ago, but I pulled out of it and thought I would never go back there and that the worst was over. But the messed up me is back, and with a double whammy.
First it was a too-early marriage to a too-easy woman. Not just too easy, but Sue was crazy too! (let’s call her Sue, and I am not being insensitive by calling her easy, coz she really slept around a lot, while I was living in denial of the fact which all our friends knew but wouldn't tell me). In fact, in retrospect, I have no idea why I married her in the first place... wow, is saying this really bad? Is it terrible that even on our wedding day, I didn’t know why I was marrying her? I was just 21 then, and against everyone's wishes, went ahead and just did it!
I spent the next five crappy years dealing with all kinds of nonsensical ideas and neurotic behaviour, until I could get a divorce and say goodbye to bad rubbish!
The one thing that kept me going through it all was my job. I was bloody good at what I did, and got paid a bloody lot for it! So much so, that my pay check back then played a huge role in getting an easy, mutual consent divorce from her – I gave her everything I owned, from my music collection dating back to my college days, to our house, all appliances, and even my favorite SUV and the lease on it for the next 2 years!
After that I fell in love with and married Rachel. She was the love of my life, my beautiful strong, sensitive, funny mother of our two beautiful children, and grandmother of my grandchildren to be.
Note, I said ‘was the love of my life...’ Well unfortunately our beautiful, rock solid marriage turned sour a couple of years back and neither of us can place when the slide started. All we know is today its impossible for us to even have a single conversation without getting our backs up, and shooting barbs at each other.
Where did we go wrong, what happened, I cannot clearly say, but we both have theories. And I plan to put some of them out here and get other people’s opinion on what could have happened, and perhaps what we should do to make it work and bring back the magic.
If we want to bring back the magic, that is... because today, I also have Scarlett... and also there once was Emma. Two women who came into my life and turned it upside down in the past couple of years.
Emma is Rachel’s best friend. We got close, and despite what people (including Rachel) think, nothing really happened between us that was more than an exciting idea in our minds. And that too is over now...
Scarlett is my business partner and closest friend. She’s smart, very intelligent, and bloody gorgeous! And I have been 'having an affair' with her since late last year.
Terrible, eh?!
Well admittedly yes, and strangely no. True my relationship with Scarlett has completely spun my life with Rachel out of control and down the drain. What little semblance of a marriage we maintained has now all but disappeared from our lives. But at the same time, I believe Scarlett is the best thing that could happen to me at this stage of my life - professionally, and as an individual.
Is that the double whammy I mentioned earlier in this post? Nope. The double whammy is that Scarlett now doesn’t want us to continue, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And then she adds, that she thinks we’re intrinsically incompatible (?!)
And her belief in our incompatibility and wanting to break up us “seeing each other” has messed up our relationship at work, which has thrown our business out of gear, threatening us with bankruptcy and forcing us to consider shutting shop!
No love, no money, no hope. That’s what I am looking at today. That’s what I am today.
That’s why I write today.
I am looking for good advice to figure out how to get out of this deep hole I have dug myself into.
Help me please.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Full Disclosure
Despite my best attempts, and popular perception about me, there are things I do which are considered “not nice” to “terrible”. A lot of these I am aware of, and I know, need fixing. A lot of these come from perceptions and pre-conceived notions of other people. I am not exactly a conformist. I am a liberal, but not a rebel. I can be quite rebellious and as petulant as a child sometimes.
I am not a guy’s guy, or a typical guy as stereotyped – no beer belly, no sweaty socks, no drinking binges with the jocks. I love hanging out with women as well as the guys, I can cook, and yes, I’d rather cuddle at home with her, than go drinking with boys from the office. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time we kissed – and what she was wearing, and every word we spoke that night.
So what’s so ‘not nice’ or ‘terrible’ about me. Well, I can be pretty self absorbed and selfish at times. I often look around wondering why it is turned dark, when I realised I have my head stuck right up my ar** and fail to see the value of people and things around me.
I don’t like people I don’t like and they know it – even if they are my mother in laws or sister. Yep, that’s not a typo, that is two mother in laws, and one sister. I’m in my second marriage, and have one sister with whom I haven’t had a decent conversation in years. And she’s a whole chapter full of questions...
I have two beautiful kids, from my current marriage. I adore them and they think I am the best dad in the world. Well that’s because I do all the cool stuff with them, like hang out at the mall, and fly off to Peru with them and Lara Croft. Homework, studies and all the things that require discipline from the parents as well..? That’s for Mommy to take care of!
See! Not very nice...
But hey I am doing my best, with the best intentions, and isn’t that what really matters?
You tell me. There’s a lot I have to ask and talk about. The conversation is just starting.
I am not a guy’s guy, or a typical guy as stereotyped – no beer belly, no sweaty socks, no drinking binges with the jocks. I love hanging out with women as well as the guys, I can cook, and yes, I’d rather cuddle at home with her, than go drinking with boys from the office. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time we kissed – and what she was wearing, and every word we spoke that night.
So what’s so ‘not nice’ or ‘terrible’ about me. Well, I can be pretty self absorbed and selfish at times. I often look around wondering why it is turned dark, when I realised I have my head stuck right up my ar** and fail to see the value of people and things around me.
I don’t like people I don’t like and they know it – even if they are my mother in laws or sister. Yep, that’s not a typo, that is two mother in laws, and one sister. I’m in my second marriage, and have one sister with whom I haven’t had a decent conversation in years. And she’s a whole chapter full of questions...
I have two beautiful kids, from my current marriage. I adore them and they think I am the best dad in the world. Well that’s because I do all the cool stuff with them, like hang out at the mall, and fly off to Peru with them and Lara Croft. Homework, studies and all the things that require discipline from the parents as well..? That’s for Mommy to take care of!
See! Not very nice...
But hey I am doing my best, with the best intentions, and isn’t that what really matters?
You tell me. There’s a lot I have to ask and talk about. The conversation is just starting.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Being I
On a journey of self discovery, I pride myself of being clear, articulate and correct in whatever I do, and in relation to everyone in my life.
As part of this journey, I am seeking answers to questions that trouble me, confuse me, and often throw me off balance. Questions that question my self, and the very basis of me actually being truly clear, articulate and correct in whatever I do.
These questions will find their way here on my blog. Hopefully, people will stop by and share their thoughts with me and help me find answers. And at times on issues where there are no right answers, hopefully I will simply make better informed choices and take better decisions.
This is all about being better as a person, and being true to the "I" in me.
As part of this journey, I am seeking answers to questions that trouble me, confuse me, and often throw me off balance. Questions that question my self, and the very basis of me actually being truly clear, articulate and correct in whatever I do.
These questions will find their way here on my blog. Hopefully, people will stop by and share their thoughts with me and help me find answers. And at times on issues where there are no right answers, hopefully I will simply make better informed choices and take better decisions.
This is all about being better as a person, and being true to the "I" in me.
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