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Saturday, October 16, 2010

So What's The Problem

Most people who read my previous post introducing the two women in my life will probably think I am nuts, or think I am sick (Sick as in yuck, not siiicckkk!).

But correct me if I am wrong, but it will more likely be women who wonder why I am messing up with the two amazing women in my life, while men probably will not care as much...

People will also wonder why I worry about my business shutting down, and being down in the dumps financially when my wife makes so much money, my girlfriend is rich, and I seem to be pretty well established in my profession...

The mistakes I've made and the answers to my my questions may seem very obvious to most people reading my blog, which will make them wonder why I am spending time here writing all this, instead of spending time fixing my life...

The truth is, sometimes I feel I have lost perspective, don't know what to fix, and don't have the will to act either. Sometimes I feel like I know the problem, and will do whatever it takes to fix my life.

But all resolve and clarity goes out of the window if suddenly Rachel asks me something or points out something uncomfortable for me. I am perfectly normal and strong one moment, then suddenly I think of Scarlett and have visions of her with someone else and I go completely nuts!!

I am a grown up man, but I feel and behave like a child. I am smart, but I do the dumbest things. I have money, but I am at the risk of losing it all if I don't get a grip of myself at work.

I made a commitment for better or for worse to a beautiful woman, and have the responsibility of bringing up two tiny vulnerable children... but I want to be with another woman and break my wows to my wife, and break up the beautiful home and family my children have.

I love my best friend, and know she is right in not wanting to be involved with me and that she's amazing to push me to work out things with my wife... but I feel betrayed and let down by her for wanting to suddenly break up with me, and go crazy thinking she's not going to look back, and instead move on and find someone else to love and live with.

Thats the problem. And it is eating me up inside.

6 comments:

  1. Seems you react and tend to follow your gut, and not make decisions that are more rational...so when Scarlett wants to be with you, you jump, even if you know it's wrong. It's a tough habit to break, and to take a step back, think, and then act. Perspective definitely has a lot to do with it. Perhaps you need to be alone and really sort out what you want?

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  2. ~ In Reply to TBDetermined ~

    Hi J,

    Yes you're right, I do tend to be more emotional than rational. And I seem to be completely governed by Scarlett nowadays.

    Spending more than half my day every day with Scarlett and then going home to Rachel doesn't really help in stepping back and being objective.

    When you say alone, do you mean like go on a 'thinking' holiday by myself, or do you mean I should hang up on both women and see where my heart and mind take me?

    I imagine you mean the former... I should do it soon...

    Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your view :)

    Warm Regards

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  3. Hello,
    I just found your blog. It will be interesting to see this kind of relationship from a man's perspective. I have recently gotten out of a relationship with a married man, and I am married myself, but going through divorce. I have learned that it is a painful situation all around. Yes, there is a lot of excitement, but between those short-lived bursts is a lot of time spent agonizing and feeling worthless. The man with whom I had this relationship (the only time I've ever done such a thing) is someone I will love forever. But in the end, what he and the relationship has done to me will haunt me forever. I am not better on the other side. As I go forward with my divorce and into the new world of being single once again, I will have a new-found distrust in men that was never there before. It's all in my blog. I invite you to read and see the similarities (womandistracted.blogspot.com). Take care!

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  4. Hi Me,

    Thank you so much for writing in. I sense you are a good woman, and hearing you out and reading your blog will perhaps help me understand things better, and become a better person as I would like to be (and often claim to be!).

    Scarlett keeps telling me "I cannot be with you anymore! While I fell in love with you and did what I did with you, I cannot break up your home and cannot live with what I have done. It will trouble me for the rest of my life!"

    She says she'd rather deal with the pain of being alone, than with the guilt of breaking up a home!

    This, despite the fact that she knows that Rachel and I have been having problems for some time now, even before Scarlett and I got involved, and that things may not work out between Rachel and I after all.

    In all of this, I think we're all good people in a very bad situation.

    I don't get the new-found distrust in men though. But I guess I will get educated when I read your blog, starting tonight!

    Wishing you the best, and strength, always :)

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  5. The new-found distrust is the unfortunate reality of the situation. See, since I was in a relationship with a man who was cheating on his wife, I don't know that I can ever trust someone to be true to me. I will now suspect all men are cheating on their wives. Naturally, I look forward to having a healthy exclusive relationship someday, and I don't know if that can be in the wake of things. Also, my ex-boyfriend (the one with whom I had the affair) really did me wrong in the end. I'm still in a lot of pain over it, as I sense you are over Scarlett. And like you, the man I was with was married with two young children, and he is carrying on as if he is in a happy marriage, while mine has been broken and on the way to divorce--visibly so to the whole world--for a long time. Hence, I don't have any guilt over the fact that I had this relationship while still married because mine was on its way out anyway. He clearly said from the beginning that he would never leave his wife, and like Scarlett, I would have a problem with it if he did...because of the kids. As for his wife, I don't owe her anything; that's his burden to bear, but she doesn't know...will never know, and that's fine. She doesn't deserve to have her world torn apart. I've rambled on enough! I forget I'm posting a comment and not a new blog post! LOL

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  6. Me, please ramble on anytime.. :))

    This is so like a mirror with a couple of nuances different..!

    My problem is, two months ago i was ready to take decisive action, rather than live with ambiguity... now I have nothing either ways :(

    Now even though Scarlett says we're over and I should try and make things with Rachel work, I am torn apart by a double edged sword - of missing Scarlett, and not being able to look Rachel in the eye but wanting to blurt out to her what I have done (and somewhere inside wanting Rachel to 'throw me out').

    Am I nuts..?

    ps. despite everything, I believe the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' doesn't hold water. i am sure (and hope) the trust returns. because trust, is beautiful :)

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