Scarlett talks of freedom and romantic love. I want passionate obsessive love. And we’ve clashed big time on this matter.
If me being married and having a wife and kids to go back to wasn’t enough for her to contend with, Scarlett has a bunch of really close “guy” friends I have to deal with. Add to this the fact that I am more of a homebody, and she’s more of the go-out-and-party type. The result: our constant debate about freedom, trust, and space to breathe.
I am a very trusting, giving person. So is Scarlett. But while she never complained or showed signs of jealousy when I’d go home every night, I would go completely crazy when she’d hang out with her “boy” friends! And this in turn, drove her nuts!!
I made changes in my life and stopped doing all the ‘rituals’ of being ‘a couple’ with Rachel, and I also stopped talking about Rachel, or with Rachel, in front of Scarlett, so that she didn’t ‘feel bad’. But Scarlett continued to meet her male friends, even alone (some of whom she admits want to marry her), and wouldn’t hesitate to chat with them, and call them ‘honey’ on the phone in front of me!
I talked about how I am withdrawing and closing my chapter with Rachel. Scarlett constantly told me how important these guys including her ex-boyfriend were, and that they’d always be a part of her life as friends.
When I chatted with Scarlett on BBM late in the night, I would be chatting with her alone. When she chatted with me, the delays in her response indicated (and she often stated) she was chatting with others as well.
And then when we’d be out or alone together, I would still find her chatting with these others on BBM – because she said, she spent so much time with me, she could never find time to chat with her other friends.
I wondered whether our ten year age gap, was actually a generation gap (!?!) and that these things are acceptable and a part of life with women in their 30s today. 40s is old school, so I won’t get it?
I found her friends and her approach to them intrusive. She found my telling her this claustrophobic.
The simultaneous, constant BBM chatting was clearly symbolic of things in my mind. Begging me to ask the question: Am I being parallel processed?
Scarlett would constantly tell me “You have to recognise I am an individual and I need my space, my friends and other things to do besides the things I do with you”.
So yes, I was being parallel processed. And I never got the sense that I was more processed than others. Being together at work doesn’t count, because at work we work and work very hard.
Is it abnormal for me to feel this way? Am I being unfair?
Yes, Scarlett will not be seen in nightclubs alone with me. We cannot go out for too many late dinners alone together. I cannot be the one who naturally gets invited with her to her friends’ parties. So if it is not me she hangs out with socially, should it be no one, even if they’re just friends? Is it unfair for me to expect her to hang out with me and no one else?
If I expect her to live with the fact that she’s seeing a married man, does it mean I have to lump it and be part of her parallel processing?
I don’t know if this post makes any sense. Somebody hit me. Please.
OK, I'm going to respond both to your comment to my comment and to this one because my answers kind of go together.
ReplyDeleteScarlett may be right when she says you should try to make things work with your wife. And really you should NOT tell Rachel what happened. People so want to confess and be absolved (not necessarily a religious thing--just the desire for the absolution).
The reason I say this, and you may not like hearing it is because your latest post makes it sound like you like Scarlett because she represents to you the fantasy side of love. You said you want it passionate and obsessive, and perhaps you feel you can't have that with Rachel. And Scarlett clearly sounds like she really likes knowing that she can't fully have you.
If you ended things with Rachel, first, your whole family unit would be destroyed. She would feel so hurt and betrayed, and you would feel tremendous guilt. And guilt is very damaging. It can really destroy your soul. Also, I suspect you and Scarlett would find that you have such a different relationship when that fantasy factor is stripped away.
I will be honest. It was a HUGE pressure knowing there was an expectation of being the fantasy girl for my ex-boyfriend/lover/cyber-affair-man (I don't even know what to call him anymore.) And I think that is what killed it for him--that the reality never did live up to the fantasy. And I suspect you both might find the same if you were available to her. Whether or not you and Rachel have enough left to work with remains to be seen. But since things have ended with Scarlett you might want to re-evaluate things with Rachel and see if you can find that with her. That may take some time, since clearly you aren't done mourning your relationship with Scarlett. I suspect you are holding out hope that she will return. I know. I try to act strong, but I still cry about _him_ nearly every day.
Is it possible that Scarlett started an affair with you because she knew you weren't 100% available? Maybe that's part of the allure - not having to commit to someone because they are married. No idea, just speculating. I hope life becomes less confusing for you.
ReplyDeleteMe, firstly my apologies for the late response to your comment. I read it on my Blackberry, and I was traveling... so couldn't respond in a manner that would do justice to your really deep observations!
ReplyDeleteYes, Scarlett is "my crazy passion" and I am hoping against hell (mourning? i love your choice of words!)that she will realise my value and come back to me...
Yes, perhaps you are right in saying that my relationship with Scarlett may diminish when the fantasy part gets replaced with reality of a serious relationship and the responsibilities that come with it... like it did with Rachel. I have thought about it, and Scarlett and I have also discussed it, because she knows Rachel and I were once a "model passionate couple"
Yes, I cannot tell Rachel. But unfortunately, her good side is stepping up to the plate to talk to me when she sees me upset but not knowing why (i am such a **it-head). This drives my guilt through the roof!
I have resolved though to not rock the boat with Rachel right now, and try to be as nice as possible with her, to see if there is anything still left between us.
But gosh, every time I see Scarlett my resolve goes out of the window!
And yes, I know Rachel cries at night... perhaps Scarlett does too... I know I do.
But I also write, and I have people like you and Jolene who give me strength and a possible path to the light :)
Hi 'broken heart with hope'
ReplyDeleteI read your blog. I read your thoughts. I read your comment on mine.
Pardon my presumption, but I think you have a great future of love and happiness ahead for you, because you exhibit sensitivity, passion, realism, and as your nom-de-guerre suggests, hope!
As for me, you've raised a pertinent question... did Scarlett 'have an affair' with me knowing I wasn't available for a 'commitment'?
Well, as pertinent is the question, and I wondered about it too at some time in all this mess... my answer is no.
No, she hasn't just have an affair with me... she fell in love with me, as I did with her - truly, deeply. And if I was in a different place today, we'd most certainly be in a much better place right now.
Stay in touch. There's always place for hope in my life!