Being Parallel Processed

One of the big issues between Scarlett and I, is the way we look at love. In fact, I’ve mentioned it in passing in a previous post of mine.

Scarlett talks of freedom and romantic love. I want passionate obsessive love. And we’ve clashed big time on this matter.

If me being married and having a wife and kids to go back to wasn’t enough for her to contend with, Scarlett has a bunch of really close “guy” friends I have to deal with. Add to this the fact that I am more of a homebody, and she’s more of the go-out-and-party type. The result: our constant debate about freedom, trust, and space to breathe.

I am a very trusting, giving person. So is Scarlett. But while she never complained or showed signs of jealousy when I’d go home every night, I would go completely crazy when she’d hang out with her “boy” friends! And this in turn, drove her nuts!!

I made changes in my life and stopped doing all the ‘rituals’ of being ‘a couple’ with Rachel, and I also stopped talking about Rachel, or with Rachel, in front of Scarlett, so that she didn’t ‘feel bad’. But Scarlett continued to meet her male friends, even alone (some of whom she admits want to marry her), and wouldn’t hesitate to chat with them, and call them ‘honey’ on the phone in front of me!

I talked about how I am withdrawing and closing my chapter with Rachel. Scarlett constantly told me how important these guys including her ex-boyfriend were, and that they’d always be a part of her life as friends.

When I chatted with Scarlett on BBM late in the night, I would be chatting with her alone. When she chatted with me, the delays in her response indicated (and she often stated) she was chatting with others as well.

And then when we’d be out or alone together, I would still find her chatting with these others on BBM – because she said, she spent so much time with me, she could never find time to chat with her other friends.

I wondered whether our ten year age gap, was actually a generation gap (!?!) and that these things are acceptable and a part of life with women in their 30s today. 40s is old school, so I won’t get it?

I found her friends and her approach to them intrusive. She found my telling her this claustrophobic.

The simultaneous, constant BBM chatting was clearly symbolic of things in my mind. Begging me to ask the question: Am I being parallel processed?

Scarlett would constantly tell me “You have to recognise I am an individual and I need my space, my friends and other things to do besides the things I do with you”.

So yes, I was being parallel processed. And I never got the sense that I was more processed than others. Being together at work doesn’t count, because at work we work and work very hard.

Is it abnormal for me to feel this way? Am I being unfair?

Yes, Scarlett will not be seen in nightclubs alone with me. We cannot go out for too many late dinners alone together. I cannot be the one who naturally gets invited with her to her friends’ parties. So if it is not me she hangs out with socially, should it be no one, even if they’re just friends? Is it unfair for me to expect her to hang out with me and no one else?

If I expect her to live with the fact that she’s seeing a married man, does it mean I have to lump it and be part of her parallel processing?

I don’t know if this post makes any sense. Somebody hit me. Please.

What is Love?

Imagine two people, completely in love with each other, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with each other, yet feeling either claustrophobic or alternately uncomfortable with the other’s love.

Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!

I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!

It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.

Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.

They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!

So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything.  They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.

I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)

So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?

As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.

Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.