Being Parallel Processed

One of the big issues between Scarlett and I, is the way we look at love. In fact, I’ve mentioned it in passing in a previous post of mine.

Scarlett talks of freedom and romantic love. I want passionate obsessive love. And we’ve clashed big time on this matter.

If me being married and having a wife and kids to go back to wasn’t enough for her to contend with, Scarlett has a bunch of really close “guy” friends I have to deal with. Add to this the fact that I am more of a homebody, and she’s more of the go-out-and-party type. The result: our constant debate about freedom, trust, and space to breathe.

I am a very trusting, giving person. So is Scarlett. But while she never complained or showed signs of jealousy when I’d go home every night, I would go completely crazy when she’d hang out with her “boy” friends! And this in turn, drove her nuts!!

I made changes in my life and stopped doing all the ‘rituals’ of being ‘a couple’ with Rachel, and I also stopped talking about Rachel, or with Rachel, in front of Scarlett, so that she didn’t ‘feel bad’. But Scarlett continued to meet her male friends, even alone (some of whom she admits want to marry her), and wouldn’t hesitate to chat with them, and call them ‘honey’ on the phone in front of me!

I talked about how I am withdrawing and closing my chapter with Rachel. Scarlett constantly told me how important these guys including her ex-boyfriend were, and that they’d always be a part of her life as friends.

When I chatted with Scarlett on BBM late in the night, I would be chatting with her alone. When she chatted with me, the delays in her response indicated (and she often stated) she was chatting with others as well.

And then when we’d be out or alone together, I would still find her chatting with these others on BBM – because she said, she spent so much time with me, she could never find time to chat with her other friends.

I wondered whether our ten year age gap, was actually a generation gap (!?!) and that these things are acceptable and a part of life with women in their 30s today. 40s is old school, so I won’t get it?

I found her friends and her approach to them intrusive. She found my telling her this claustrophobic.

The simultaneous, constant BBM chatting was clearly symbolic of things in my mind. Begging me to ask the question: Am I being parallel processed?

Scarlett would constantly tell me “You have to recognise I am an individual and I need my space, my friends and other things to do besides the things I do with you”.

So yes, I was being parallel processed. And I never got the sense that I was more processed than others. Being together at work doesn’t count, because at work we work and work very hard.

Is it abnormal for me to feel this way? Am I being unfair?

Yes, Scarlett will not be seen in nightclubs alone with me. We cannot go out for too many late dinners alone together. I cannot be the one who naturally gets invited with her to her friends’ parties. So if it is not me she hangs out with socially, should it be no one, even if they’re just friends? Is it unfair for me to expect her to hang out with me and no one else?

If I expect her to live with the fact that she’s seeing a married man, does it mean I have to lump it and be part of her parallel processing?

I don’t know if this post makes any sense. Somebody hit me. Please.

Of Birthdays and Rebirths

Birthdays have always been a very emotional time for me. Some years I have really looked forward to them, some years they have just passed me by, and left me shaken and stirred in their wake.

As a kid, birthdays were wonderful. Living in what would be called an underprivileged home, birthdays were one of the three times a year I got new clothes and toys from my parents and relatives. As I grew older, I looked forward to them because this was the one day other kids would be really nice to me, especially the girls :)

When I went to college and had money to spare (I had started earning decent spending money doing odd jobs by then) birthdays were a time I started taking friends out for a soda and pizza. That was really cool.

And for many years, every year, for my birthday, I would have a new girlfriend! Umm, I know that’s not supposed to sound right, but hey, it was a trend I noticed over many years – just around summertime I would become more than just friends with a girl, and then as my birthday would come closer, so would we. Our relationship would really blossom around my birthday, take us through to a terrific new year celebration, and then suddenly “wham” every year, something would happen around February and our relationship would be all over by March or April!

Then when I started working, and earning – birthdays just started getting better and better in terms of stuff we did, and the kind of parties I could throw for my friends. Until, I got “Sue”d!

My first wife Sue, really messed up some of my birthdays with fights about how “uncool our parties were”, and how she didn’t have enough money to throw a good party (huh!??). So I stopped having them... the parties, that is. And would find ways of being out of town, or the country around my birthday – for a very important meeting, or a film shoot (I used to be in advertising back then).

This was a time when my secret tradition really became very important for me.
Yep, somewhere along the line, I had started a little secret tradition of my own: On the night before my birthday, I would “arrange to be alone” for an hour or two... and during this time, I would write – to myself!

I would write to myself summarising stuff that I would have reflected upon in the days preceding my birthday. I would question myself, my issues, relationships, and set myself resolutions and goals. The letter to myself was about deep soul searching, about uncomfortable questions, it was a catharsis, and it was almost always inspiring and uplifting toward the end of it. With me figuring out my positives and strengths, including people good for me. And it would be my roadmap for the year ahead; a roadmap that led to a better me; a roadmap to my reinvention and rebirth every year!

Last month (I am a Libran) I turned 42. And I had one of the worst birthdays of my life. But now in retrospect, I think it was one of the best birthdays of my life.

It was one of the worst, because I had the worst fights in my life - first with Scarlett, and then with Rachel. I said and did some insensitive things that morning, and as a result of that, the two most important women in my life told me what they really think of me!

The issues were not new, but something was in the air that day, which made them angry, acidic and acerbic like never before! Back to back, they pointed out how I was being unfair to them, how wrong I was in believing and doing certain things, and how I really have to figure out what I want out of life for myself, before I figure out what I want from them!

Well, these conversations with my significant other(s), more than compensated for my not writing the letter to myself the night before! They did exactly what I usually do for myself – take a deep look within my heart, head and soul. Understand who I am and what I want out of relationships and life. And then plan a course of action for the future.

Of course, I didn’t realise this back then when it was all happening. But throughout the rest of my birthday, I went over each and every word of both the conversations in my head.

I must admit, I have never seen myself like the way I did that Sunday. And I must admit further, that I didn’t like what I saw.

But I must add, I know this “me” is an aberration, and not the real me. Somewhere both Rachel and Scarlett acknowledged the belief too. Which gives me a lot of hope, that I will find my better self again. And bring back the smiles and happiness in our lives.

The only question is – smiles and happiness in which lives? Rachel and me? Or Scarlett and me?

And that is a big question. Hopefully, I will have the answer by my 43rd.

Nevertheless, belated happy birthday to me!

What is Love?

Imagine two people, completely in love with each other, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with each other, yet feeling either claustrophobic or alternately uncomfortable with the other’s love.

Yep, I discovered much to my chagrin and loss, only recently, that different people love differently. That two people completely in love with each other can have completely different opinions of, expectations from, and expressions of, love itself!

I discovered that with Rachel and I discovered that with Scarlett. With Rachel it was a slow realisation, with Scarlett it hit me/us with a big whack-bang!

It troubled me to no end, and caused a lot of stress in our relationship – and perhaps is one of the key reasons why there’s so much trouble in paradise. Yes, really. When I honestly think about it, the starting point of all our problems comes from nothing else but our expectations around love and the way we love each other.

Then recently I read this post on Marriage Gems which suddenly brought this whole concept alive. The realisation of Passionate Love versus Romantic Love brought to the fore every reason of my dissatisfaction with Rachel and her dissatisfaction with me. It explained the ridiculously crazy arguments between Scarlett and I. Quite simply, we have different ways of loving each other – ironically, Rachel and Scarlett share the same style, and I exhibit the opposite one.

They’re both romantic lovers, and are very easy going. I am passionate and carry the baggage of anxiety and (as Scarlett points out) huge insecurities!

So this creates a lot of problems between us in our daily lives. Both Rachel and Scarlett are very powerful women, not just in their respective professions, but also as women, and as individuals. They are independent and free spirited, not tied down with responsibility, nor bogged down by anything.  They love family, have a large group of friends, they make the effort to socialise, and go out and stay connected with people.

I on the other hand, put ‘my love’ above, before and instead of everyone else. Given the limited time we have between work and responsibilities of kids and parents, I want my sweetheart’s full attention when we’re together. I yearn to be alone with her and not have to deal with others around. I want to just disconnect from everyone else, and spend every living moment of my life with her. That’s the only way I know to love someone. (This is the same guy cheating on his wife, right? Well yes, and I will talk about that in another post soon)

So is this reason enough to break up a marriage? And if the marriage is already over for more reasons that this; does this difference in love styles eliminate any future with Scarlett?

As odd as it sounds, I love and respect both the women in my life. Unfortunately, I only see history with one, and long for a future with the other. But even more unfortunately, I feel there is no future with either.

Because love has many dimensions, and if you’re both not in the same place, and not willing to find common ground, love is simply history.

Full Disclosure

Despite my best attempts, and popular perception about me, there are things I do which are considered “not nice” to “terrible”. A lot of these I am aware of, and I know, need fixing. A lot of these come from perceptions and pre-conceived notions of other people. I am not exactly a conformist. I am a liberal, but not a rebel. I can be quite rebellious and as petulant as a child sometimes.

I am not a guy’s guy, or a typical guy as stereotyped – no beer belly, no sweaty socks, no drinking binges with the jocks. I love hanging out with women as well as the guys, I can cook, and yes, I’d rather cuddle at home with her, than go drinking with boys from the office. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time we kissed – and what she was wearing, and every word we spoke that night.

So what’s so ‘not nice’ or ‘terrible’ about me. Well, I can be pretty self absorbed and selfish at times. I often look around wondering why it is turned dark, when I realised I have my head stuck right up my ar** and fail to see the value of people and things around me.

I don’t like people I don’t like and they know it – even if they are my mother in laws or sister. Yep, that’s not a typo, that is two mother in laws, and one sister. I’m in my second marriage, and have one sister with whom I haven’t had a decent conversation in years. And she’s a whole chapter full of questions...

I have two beautiful kids, from my current marriage. I adore them and they think I am the best dad in the world. Well that’s because I do all the cool stuff with them, like hang out at the mall, and fly off to Peru with them and Lara Croft. Homework, studies and all the things that require discipline from the parents as well..? That’s for Mommy to take care of!

See! Not very nice...

But hey I am doing my best, with the best intentions, and isn’t that what really matters?

You tell me. There’s a lot I have to ask and talk about. The conversation is just starting.