Who Am I

So who am I... and why do I have all these questions..? Well, the truth is I am currently a very messed up person – that’s who I am.

I was quite messed up twenty years ago, but I pulled out of it and thought I would never go back there and that the worst was over. But the messed up me is back, and with a double whammy.

First it was a too-early marriage to a too-easy woman. Not just too easy, but Sue was crazy too! (let’s call her Sue, and I am not being insensitive by calling her easy, coz she really slept around a lot, while I was living in denial of the fact which all our friends knew but wouldn't tell me). In fact, in retrospect, I have no idea why I married her in the first place... wow, is saying this really bad? Is it terrible that even on our wedding day, I didn’t know why I was marrying her? I was just 21 then, and against everyone's wishes, went ahead and just did it!

I spent the next five crappy years dealing with all kinds of nonsensical ideas and neurotic behaviour, until I could get a divorce and say goodbye to bad rubbish!

The one thing that kept me going through it all was my job. I was bloody good at what I did, and got paid a bloody lot for it! So much so, that my pay check back then played a huge role in getting an easy, mutual consent divorce from her – I gave her everything I owned, from my music collection dating back to my college days, to our house, all appliances, and even my favorite SUV and the lease on it for the next 2 years!

After that I fell in love with and married Rachel. She was the love of my life, my beautiful strong, sensitive, funny mother of our two beautiful children, and grandmother of my grandchildren to be.

Note, I said ‘was the love of my life...’ Well unfortunately our beautiful, rock solid marriage turned sour a couple of years back and neither of us can place when the slide started. All we know is today its impossible for us to even have a single conversation without getting our backs up, and shooting barbs at each other.

Where did we go wrong, what happened, I cannot clearly say, but we both have theories. And I plan to put some of them out here and get other people’s opinion on what could have happened, and perhaps what we should do to make it work and bring back the magic.

If we want to bring back the magic, that is... because today, I also have Scarlett... and also there once was Emma. Two women who came into my life and turned it upside down in the past couple of years.

Emma is Rachel’s best friend. We got close, and despite what people (including Rachel) think, nothing really happened between us that was more than an exciting idea in our minds. And that too is over now...

Scarlett is my business partner and closest friend. She’s smart, very intelligent, and bloody gorgeous! And I have been 'having an affair' with her since late last year.

Terrible, eh?!

Well admittedly yes, and strangely no. True my relationship with Scarlett has completely spun my life with Rachel out of control and down the drain. What little semblance of a marriage we maintained has now all but disappeared from our lives. But at the same time, I believe Scarlett is the best thing that could happen to me at this stage of my life - professionally, and as an individual.

Is that the double whammy I mentioned earlier in this post? Nope. The double whammy is that Scarlett now doesn’t want us to continue, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And then she adds, that she thinks we’re intrinsically incompatible (?!)

And her belief in our incompatibility and wanting to break up us “seeing each other” has messed up our relationship at work, which has thrown our business out of gear, threatening us with bankruptcy and forcing us to consider shutting shop!

No love, no money, no hope. That’s what I am looking at today. That’s what I am today.

That’s why I write today.

I am looking for good advice to figure out how to get out of this deep hole I have dug myself into.

Help me please.