Money Can’t Buy Love, But It Can Certainly Make Loving Easy

It is true. I think money has a HUGE role to play in matters of attraction, love, and relationships.

Having money does make a person more attractive. You are more likely to smile and say 'hi' to the woman in a Cavalli dress and the guy with the Ferragamo tie, than you would with someone turned out in cheap attire. You are probably more likely to agree to go out on a date with a beautiful stranger who steps out of a Mercedes, than one who steps out of a Hyundai hatchback.

Superficial examples aside, the truth is, money makes people comfortable. And people with money are more comforting than those without. And as we dig deeper, even in close personal relationships, we look up to the richer relative, we are more respectful of our more-well-to-do neighbors, and we’re very proud of a husband or wife who makes loads of money.

Having money or not having money plays a huge role in how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel about our significant other. Having money is comforting. And not having money tests even the best of relationships.

I remember a conversation Rachel and I once had. We were on holiday and staying in a really expensive suite at an iconic five star hotel in the Far East. Rachel was talking about ‘how lucky we were to be there, and how happy we were being together – and that she was sure we will be deliriously happy together for the rest of our lives’. (Both Rachel and I come from very humble beginnings – her single-parent mom lived off boyfriends and low-stakes gambling, while my parents were always struggling to make ends meet.)

And then I said the strangest thing in response to her happiness “We’re here and happy because we have money. If we didn’t have money we wouldn’t be here, and we’d probably be fighting back home over some bill or the other. Money is what allows us to be happy”.

Rachel got very upset with me, that I should undermine our love and attribute its existence to money!

To push my point (I don’t know why I did back then), I suddenly talked about my first wife Sue.

The biggest issue my first wife had with me, revolved around money – and the fact that I wasn’t making enough of it. That was funny, considering I was probably being paid more money than anyone else at my level in my entire industry at that time, and I was 25. But that wasn’t enough for Sue. She thought that just because I was acknowledged as very talented and a ‘star’ by my company, I should demand more. To add to that, she thought I should moonlight – a lot of people in my profession do freelance projects on the side, even though it was not only unethical, but also went against the contracts we signed with the companies we worked for!

All I could think of was being honest and doing a good job during the day, and then spending my free time with Sue and our friends, enjoying the “little” money I worked so hard to get.

So I didn’t ask for more, and I didn’t moonlight. And this became a huge bone of contention between Sue and I. And every time we had to think twice about spending some money, or going somewhere, or doing something, the subject of money would come up. Eventually, she went on to have a series of affairs with guys with expense accounts, bigger cars, and so called “wealth”.

Of course, Sue was an aberration. The problem with her was ‘greed’, not really about money coming between two normal people – which is what happened between Rachel and I.

Given Rachel’s poverty stricken background and her need for financial security, my quitting my well-paying job way back in 2005 to start my own series of business ventures, was a frightening prospect for her. Even though I had saved up enough for us to last a couple of years without external help, Rachel quickly came out of her “homemaker” mode which she’d happily gotten into when we had our first child. She insisted on getting back to work and bring home a regular salary as “a back-up” – until my business got us back to the levels of income we were used to, when I was the head of a large multinational company.

Not surprisingly, given her incredible energy and ability to do anything she set her mind to, Rachel picked up from where she left off before her “sabbatical” and rose quickly, to become the country head of a large European corporation 2 years ago – with a decent pay packet.

But this wasn’t enough – while Rachel’s salary covered all our bills, it frightened the daylights out of her that I was investing our savings in my new ventures, and that since I started big, rather than small, the returns would take a while to show up.

And somewhere along the way began the stress and the little fights over money. Me buying a new SUV, me making several trips to Dubai to start something there (before the bust), me buying the kids a Wii and PS3 and new computers when their old ones were still good, me not wanting to (and not being able to) buy another condo right now (so our kids inherits one each)...

Admittedly, while we have huge expenses and live a seemingly lavish lifestyle, much more than many people in the country, our bank balances constantly run low, and we now do something we haven’t done in years – think twice before spending even on the smallest things.

Post the PS3 and new computers we haven’t exactly been able to buy the kids everything that they need, leave alone want. I know both Rachel and I need a lot of stuff – clothes, shoes, and most importantly a holiday together! We haven’t been out on a vacation in two years – a combination of no time off from work, and no money to spare.

Rachel remembered the conversation I mentioned above, a couple of weeks back and remarked that she didn’t realise what I was talking about, until now. And yes, she never imagined money, or lack of it, would become an issue that was chipping away at our relationship.

The arguments are “You should spend less, you should sell your company and work on an earn out, you should not take such risks with ours and our kids future, you are a professional not a businessman (ouch!)” on one hand, and “What high bills? These are the basics we’re now used to, and why are you worried when both you and me are capable of earning and taking care of all of us... I know things are bad right now, but they will improve, I promise!”

So quite simply from my perspective, if we spent the same time we did arguing about money, on love and being happy together; if issues around money wouldn’t cause such resentment between us; Rachel and I would certainly be in a much better place today.

Sure, money is not the only issue between us. But it is a big one. As I am sure it is, between countless others who have loved and lost love.